Scars and Bones

When the specialist in the emergency room first introduced the idea of surgery, she started by talking about what the incision would look like.  She told me that most likely it would be a very small horizontal incision.  I remember being in a morphine induced state of confusion and wondering why this was the conversation.  My answer was and continued to be, “Just get it out.” 

The next day my gynecologist came in to talk about the surgery and she told me that if I really wanted her to she could try to do it laparoscopically but she recommended a small horizontal incision.  My answer remained the same, “Just get it out”.  She then went on to explain that if the tumor wasn’t so large, the laparoscope would be the norm, with my tumor being 6 inches wide, a horizontal incision was the recommendation, and a vertical incision was only when they highly suspected cancer.

I was so out of it after the surgery I didn’t look at my body, I just held onto my morphine button and tried to sleep.  When the doctor came in to explain the surgical complications, I didn’t think about the incision.  The next morning the oncologist came in and asked if he could look at my incision.  I hadn’t even noticed up to that point that I have an abdominal wrap around my body and when I moved it, I saw a 4 ½  inch vertical incision on my pelvis.  At that point, I understood why they had been talking about incisions so much.  It was absolutely shocking.   

My incision has healed into a scar now.  It’s a solid pink line that is actually kind of beautiful.  It will fade, but it will always be there and I want it there. 

I had a similar experience when the doctors started talking about chemo.  The very first thing he said was, “You can most likely keep your hair.”  I could not fathom why he was talking about my hair.  What about my kidneys?  Chemo is a really terrifying prospect, especially when you understand what is does to the body on a cellular level.  My hair was not my first thought. 

But then I started talking to friends who have gone through chemo.  One in particular told me that the hardest part was losing her hair and I asked her why.  Her answer hit a cord with me, “I looked in the mirror and I wasn’t me anymore.”  Suddenly, it made a lot of sense.  So many times throughout this process I have felt like my body and I were not on the same wave length but at least I still looked like me.  How would it be if I felt disconnected from my body and then didn’t look like me?  I get it now.

It was a reality check to start paying attention to my body and I’m feeling great right now.  True, next week I go in for my first chemo treatment so that will probably change.  But for now I’m working really hard to get my strength back. 

I’m in an interesting position.  Having been thrown into menopause I am now at a higher risk for osteoporosis so I need to take care of my bones.  Weight training, calcium, these are things I have to think about right now.  Thankfully, I’m not having symptoms of menopause.  Since my cancer was stimulated by endometriosis, I cannot ever take estrogen, so let’s hope those symptoms stay away.  Being in my early thirties, these are not issues that I thought I would need to think about anytime soon.  But it’s not bad, and I’m happy that I’m changing my routine to include exercise that not only helps my body but is helping my mental state.